Wrestling With God When You're Alone

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

A few years ago I found myself in a season where I had plenty of friends and was walking in authentic community. I counted myself deeply known and loved. Loneliness was far from my mind. However, even though I wasn’t lonely, I did feel alone. Maybe some of you have experienced the same thing. With several life changes occurring at once, it wasn’t that I didn’t have anyone to turn to, rather it was the startling experience that no one could truly know how I experienced the world, no matter how lovingly empathetic they were. 

I have always loved words. Looking up each word in a Bible verse and mulling over the choice of words in a sentence has often proven to be a deeply restful activity. I was grateful that during that season as I reflected upon the experience of “aloneness” the Holy Spirit prompted me to simply look up the word “ alone" in the Bible. Doing so led me to Genesis 32.

In Genesis 32, Jacob has recently left the land of his father-in law, and with his two wives and children is heading across the ford of the Jabbok. One night, he sends his family ahead and, “Jacob was left alone.” (Genesis 32:24)

During the night, Jacob finds himself alone, and it is here that the Lord wrestles with Jacob. The most beautiful part of this passage to me is that Jacob wrestles back and will not let go until he has been blessed. God blessed Jacob, but not without first leaving him with a limp. It is then that God calls Jacob, “Israel.”

After reading Genesis 32, I was able to look at that season of aloneness differently. Like Jacob, I have people that I love. I have certain roles that I fill. I have sin patterns that plague me and a family history that marks me. And like Jacob, I have wrestled with God. I have wrestled with God through suffering, waiting, and refining seasons. Now when I face days or seasons of aloneness, instead of running from that feeling, I wait. I wrestle, and by the Spirit I don’t let go until the Lord blesses me with more of Himself. Although my legal name has never been changed, each encounter of wrestling leaves me, like Jacob, with a limp that bears the transforming power of His presence.

I know many of your stories and experiences, and the Bible assures me I am not alone in this. In this time that none of us could have imagined, I know that most of us are being confronted with something painful, disorienting, and find ourselves at times painfully alone. 

As we consider what steadfastness in this season looks like, I’d encourage you to remember where you have wrestled with God before and recount his faithfulness.  Where do you walk with a limp that marks His intimate care and knowledge of you? In these days, where might He be calling you to wrestle with him even though you may not want to? It’s in the wrestling that we are transformed and marked by the Lord.

We have the opportunity to continue to press toward maturity in Jesus Christ with one another, limping and all (Col. 1:28). May we do it by His grace.